That-feeling-of-emptiness
Why Am I Here?
This is a truth-telling post, so beware. It may make you uncomfortable. You may stop reading at a certain point and get out of the story. You may not agree with what I say, or you may agree, either way, it’s my feeling at this stage of my life. Have you ever wondered why you’re here? Today I’m wondering that very thing. My doctor told me something on Monday, 1/22/2018, that I’ve known for some time, but never admitted.
“You are at the end stage of your condition.”
I never really allowed myself to think that the day would come when I was close to my death. I don’t know if it ever occurred to any of you, but after hearing those words, the question of “Why am I here?” is hitting me pretty hard. No, I’ve not been given a definite time limit, I could live 2 more days, 2 more weeks, 2 more months or 2 more years. For that matter maybe even longer, but it’s not going to be pretty, believe me! As time drags on, I’ll become more disabled because of lack of air, even with the oxygen. I’m now to the point where I can’t walk but a few feet. When we used to go out somewhere, I used my medical mobility scooter. Now I can’t do that anymore, because using my hands and arms to steer it leaves me breathless. Now I must settle for a wheelchair someone pushes. To my consternation, I’m becoming more dependent all the time, which is certainly not the way I wanted to end up.
Emphysema/COPD
For 20-plus years, I’ve lived with emphysema/COPD. Each day I live my life 24 hours a day, 7 days a week on oxygen. During the day at home, I am tethered to a 50-foot line connected to an electric oxygen converter, so that I can move around for necessities. If I go to the doctor or out anywhere, someone carries a portable oxygen tank for me. I’m no longer able to cook meals for my family in the last 6 months. My weight has dropped dramatically in the past year from 150 to 106. The doctor tells me it’s part of the process of decline, because I burn so many calories just struggling to breathe. Emphysema/COPD is not curable, and is actually a progressive disease which worsens over time. The medications I take each day keep me living another day. Someday they won’t work anymore and that will be my end.
The Way It Was
When first diagnosed, the condition wasn’t too bad. Oh sure, I had to have the oxygen all the time, but I was strong and able to carry it myself. I was divorced with four kids, and still able to drive and go places alone. I was always very independent, working at various jobs (including four years in the Women’s Army Corps,) factory worker, cashier, bartender, clerical worker, salesperson, secretary, head typist at a newspaper tasked with teaching newly installed computers to other typists, copy editor in the newspaper, and finally writing feature stories in the same paper. But before long, the paper where I was employed entered into a Joint Operating Agreement with a larger paper, and they insisted on a Journalism degree, which I did not have. They gave me a job as Display Advertising Secretary which I held for five years. But I yearned to write, and found that there were businesses in my city who would pay a publicity writer to publicize their business. So I left the paper and wrote publicity for about 3 years, then I was diagnosed with emphysema/COPD, and began carrying oxygen. The great part, which was kind of a payback for the newspaper I left, was that my articles, with my byline, were published in the Business Section of the paper! Finally, I retired because lugging the large tanks of oxygen in and out of the car (at that time) were beginning to be too much for me.
Traveling Is Over For Me
I’ve also been able to travel a bit, seeing places I never dreamed of seeing; Yellowstone, Grand Canyon, Yosemite, Death Valley, Disneyland, Sea World, Mt. Rushmore, always in the United States. There’s still more I’d like to see, but my time is running out. It’s more difficult to travel long distances now too. Major travel is over for me. My doctor says I cannot fly since I’ve had two collapsed lungs and can’t risk another while up in a pressurized aircraft. So I am relegated to ground travel, and long trips are very hard for me. My last one was to Wisconsin for a family reunion. I’m doubtful I’ll ever be able to make another trip of that length. I also can’t stand high altitudes, such as when we were on the Wisconsin trip and went through Vail, Colorado. My breathing was labored, we increased my oxygen flow to 4, but I still felt bad and had a headache. Once we came down a couple thousand feet, breathing was still difficult, but a bit easier and the headache went away.
Dancing Was My Joy
In my early years, I loved to dance and did that as often as I had the opportunity. If I could, I would have just lived on the dance floor, because when music starts, I feel it throughout my body, almost as an electric, involuntary sensation. I’m either tapping my feet to the rhythm, or tapping my fingers or moving my body in some way. Lately it’s been “chair dancing” since I have no other alternative. HEY! It’s okay, at least I feel the rhythm! There was a time when I loved singing too, and performed on TV in my teen years, with momentary thoughts of a career. But I met a man, fell in love, married and had beautiful babies. I’m certainly not sorry of my decision.
Beautiful Babies
By the time I was 23, my household consisted of me, my husband and three beautiful little girl babies, the eldest born in 1959, the middle in 1961 and the youngest in 1962. As life moved on, things began to fall apart, and my husband and I had difficulty living together. Finally after a particularly violent episode, he left our state and I did not know where he was. I was alone to raise my girls. When he finally came back to our state, we knew there was nothing left for us and we divorced in 1968. Later in life, I met another man I cared for, which resulted in a son who now lives in my house, in his own apartment.
If I Had A Purpose
My reason for wondering Why Am I Here? is that with my illness, I can no longer do things for others as I formerly did. I can’t even take as good care of myself as I once did. Taking a shower? Washing my hair? Dressing myself? All these things are becoming more difficult than I’d ever imagined. So now I feel that I look shabby, somewhat like what we used to call a “bag lady.” But even so, if I had a purpose for being here, perhaps I’d feel better.
WHY??
Everyone Needs a Purpose
Everyone needs a purpose, and I no longer have one. I can’t write online as much as I once did because I get too tired. It takes me so long to finish one article, that if it’s on a currently trendy subject, by the time I finish it, the trend is past. I can’t volunteer anywhere, since I don’t drive now and couldn’t take enough oxygen with me even if I did. I must depend on others to take me wherever I need to go, doctor, haircut, etc. My life since my retirement has narrowed down to lonely days and few friends. I used to know lots of people, and could spend time with them. Now I spend my days talking to friends on social media because I no longer have other friends. Without my computer I’d be totally alone all day, every day. I’m grateful for the internet friends I have, don’t get me wrong. It’s just that sometimes you’d like to sit down face-to-face with someone and have a cup of coffee and some conversation.
alone
My Children
All of my children are grown, three of the four have their own families. Two of my children live far from me, and I rarely see them. I have great-grandchildren I’ve never seen. Two of my children live here, but have no idea of my loneliness. One of them even lives in my house, but he doesn’t realize that I question my existence and I would never tell him. He’d just accuse me of self-pity, and though I don’t think that’s my reason for writing this, there’s always the possibility he’s right, so I say nothing. I try hard to guard against that sort of thing. My daughter lives across town; she’s an RN, she has a career, a husband, 2 grown sons and grandchildren, she’s very busy. My children have their lives and they are like I was in my young years, busy, busy! They’re wonderful, I love them and I’m proud of them all. I want them to be able to live their lives as fully as possible.
We DO Get Old
We DO get old, but that’s no reason not to have a full life, unless you’re prevented from it by circumstances such as mine. I just wish I was still useful, that there is something I can do for someone else. I like to think that’s one reason why I’m writing this story….to help others who may find themselves in the same predicament. There’s really not a lot I can do otherwise, for myself or for anyone, but if this story helps even one person, then perhaps I’ve fulfilled my purpose.
Why Am I Here?
I’ve lived a good life, and I regret nothing, other than that I didn’t stop smoking many years before I did. But as time goes by, I can’t help but wonder, “Why am I here?” Surely there must be a reason that I’m still alive? I’ve heard many things such as, “When God closes a door, He opens a window.” Or, “Everyone and everything has a purpose, you just have to find it.” Really? I get up every morning hoping against hope that there will be something to look forward to, some reason for me to BE. So far, I’ve not found it. What about you? Do you have a purpose, something that gets you up in the morning and keeps you moving until it’s time to relax at night? Share it with me if you will. I’d like some inspiration right about now. Thanks for reading my story.
Nancy, one of the reasons you are here is so we could meet. You are one of the few soldiers I have reconnected with after retirement. Any time we are near La Vegas I wave as I am driving, hoping you will somehow feel that you were thought of. I am sorry to hear you are no longer driving, was your last car a stick shift???
John, dear sweet friend, it was one of the highlights of my life, being able to meet you again and your lovely wife, Jannett. You are the ONLY one I had reconnected with from my Army life, until recently when I connected with my Evansville WAC Counselor on Facebook. And no, you sly dog, my last car was a Cadillac Brougham which certainly was not a stick-shift! hahahaha! 🙂
The doctor gave my mother the same diagnosis, we were told to make plans for her end of life…make plans? Doctors really do not know, my mom lived 24 more months. It is not easy to know that you life is coming to an end and I understand why you ask “Why am I here” it is because you are not ready to go to the next life because you know that we all need you, and that so many people love you.
Susan, you are so kind and I thank you for those sweet words. I guess I can’t quite see why anyone needs me now, but bless you for saying that! Love to you! 🙂 <3
I have no profound words to offer, not even a similar experience to share, yet I want you to know that I love you. Why are you here? You are here for us. Each day you give encouragement, support and kind words to every person you meet. I once told you that I had a great respect for your ability to forgive. Your kindness to others makes me strive a little harder to be like that too. I thank you for the things that you have taught me and for what you will continue to teach me. We are proof that those online relationships can be very powerful, even without the coffee, face to face.
My dear Ms. Mouse, if I’ve not said it before, I want you to know that I love you too. From the moment I met you, I admired and respected your great knowledge of the internet. But more than that, you gave me the quote about the “prickly pears of life,” that rests on my All Things of Life banner, and I realized that you are a loving, caring person and that means the world to me. I’ve watched you help people you hardly know, I’ve seen your kindness to those who stumble (like me!) If I’ve helped you in any way, it could never repay all you’ve given me. You will always remain in my heart. Thank you so much for your kind words. 🙂 <3
I knew you were battling those diseases but yes, shocked to hear the doc’s words. But again, they don’t know everything. Do remind yourself that you made a difference in the last election and continue to make a difference in perople’s lives daily on line. I am thankful to be your friend.
As another senior, I keep reminding myself that I have as many or more people that I love and have loved on the other side as this side. Life is interesting, huh? I fully expect a more joyful reunion than any of us can imagine in our human state. I heard a friend say one day, after a series of serious illnesses and near death experiences, “I can honestly say I have reached the point that it’s okay with me either way. I am ready to live some more days and I am just as ready to go now.” And immediately I thought that when the time nears, hopefully we all feel that way. Her sentence has been a comfort to me along the way.
You knew our sister, Betty, on line. The day after Betty died, a dear friend called me. She told me she and Betty were sitting outside in the days before, and Betty said, “I want you to know I am at perfect peace – if I get better, that’s great. If it’s time to go, that’s great too.” Almost the same sentiment as my local friend the year before.
So with all that said, I pray for you joy and laughter during the days, happy memories, and a sense of peace. And if you go before I do, I hope you are there to greet me in person! and if I get there before you do, I will be there to greet you! That’s a deal!
Sweet Joan, thank you and yes that’s a deal…reminds me of an old song…”If you get there before I do, Goodbye, Goodbye, tell all the folks I’m coming too, Goodbye Liza Jane!” God bless Betty, and maybe I’ll get to meet her in person too! It’s tough at the end when you feel you’re not “useful,” and I think that bothers me worse than anything. My abilities have slowly lessened until now I can’t even cook for my family, which really makes me sad. But someday, someday my Lord will fix everything! Thanks again, dear friend. 🙂 <3
Nancy, you would not believe how much we have in common. With the exception of you being end stage and me being stage 2-3 this could have well been written about me. As for your question of why you are here…I think I have the answer. Although I only know you from being online, and of course your writing, I think I know you well enough. If I had to answer your question, I would say, without hesitation, that you are here because you have a positive impact on so many people. Despite your illness, and your writing, you still find time to get to know people, and to make them feel special.
If you are anything like me, twin, then you have probably pretended to be in better condition than you are for a long time. You are NOT a victim for talking about your thoughts, your concerns, your health, or anything else. I have a son that accuses me of that as well.
Although we have never met in person, I have come to know you through your writing, and your FB activities. You are a strong woman whose health happens to be failing, but you bring joy to so many people. I often tell you on FB that I love you. I do not write that lightly. I love you a great deal, and you have always made me feel loved. You are here because God wanted you here, and I am glad he did.
Veronica, my dear, dear friend, I love you too. Yes, for so long I’ve kept my condition to myself, and even after allowing some folks to know of it, I didn’t allow them to know how bad it is, until now. It’s the reason I left The Writer’s Door as owner/admin, it’s also the reason my writing has slowed to a trickle. Thank you for your kind, sweet comments, and you are so right about us having so much in common. Perhaps I’ve found my answer to the question, “Why Am I Here?” from your comment. 🙂 <3
I have to admit this post was tough for me to read. My father has COPD. Although he isn’t yet taking oxygen, he does already find himself at the hospital for nebulizer treatments more frequently now. Because he has other health conditions and was diagnosed in his late 70s, he may never get to the point where he is dependent on the oxygen. But we’ve definitely been facing his mortality for the past 5-10 years now. It’s hard to watch his health decline, and it was tough to learn that you are in your end stage, Nancy…
Kyla, I’m so very sorry you’re going through this with your Dad. We are all vulnerable and subject to ailments that could take us any day. I hope that you will remember this: When he passes, he may just be waiting in another room for you. None of us know what’s beyond what we call “life.” I’m hoping it will be another adventure, one where we will meet our loved ones again! Thank you for the visits you’ve made to my writing, and most of all, thank you for being a friend. There is nothing greater! 🙂
Dear Nancy,
While I’m sad for your situation, I’m thrilled that I had the chance to meet you online and know you through your words, stories, posts, political commentaries and beliefs. It’s a blessing that you have children, although, they are unaware of your loneliness and fears. It really is sad that our families read less of our words than other people whom we’ve never met.
As caregiver for two ladies that lived well into their nineties, I’m reminded of their declining abilities to do the things that most people take for granted: shop for groceries; take a shower; cook a meal; drive a car; travel; manage their finances – at some point my mother was unable to do simple math. She couldn’t remember how old I was. My dear auntie told me she wished she “wasn’t like this,” dependent on others to help with the most basic needs like dressing and getting out of bed. It broke my heart to watch her lose the most basic abilities like sight, taste, swallowing.
In the past six months, I’ve lost those that were closest to me. Those who loved me unconditionally, who’d stood beside me through failed marriages, financial struggles, job changes. Three days ago we lost my husband’s younger brother, a man still in his forties with a teenage daughter that he’ll never walk down the aisle. He’ll never hold her children or watch another sports event or Star Wars movie. That realization has taken me to a new level of appreciation for every sunrise, every rain storm, every kiss from a loving husband that accepts me despite my shortcomings and complaints.
Your strength of spirit is and always has been inspiring. Your patriotism is awesome and admirable. Your faith is strong. Your compassion is admirable. You wonder about your purpose, yet there are those you’ve influenced and lifted up that you may never know about just through your words and presence here on this planet.
I do hope that one day we will meet and have a chance to sit and talk about our lives while here on this plane for I truly believe that is what eternity holds in store for us; a chance to review our actions and learn from how we spent our lives.
My heart goes out to you in your current state of health – wishing that I could do something – or say something significant that would make things better for you. Know that you are cherished and loved by people like me who have never met you but will always remember and love you.
Kindest regards,
Peggy
Peg, your words bring me to tears. Knowing you and having the pleasure of speaking to you through this internet medium has been one of my greatest joys. I know of your heartache too, and that kind of thing brings home to us how fleeting our lives are. I’ve lost so many of my loved ones in my life and perhaps that’s one reason why I wonder why I’m still here. Thank you for your kind words to me and for your friendship especially. 🙂
This is one internet friend you have and continue to affect deeply in the most positive of ways. Your eloquence of word is inspiring and the challenges you bravely share speak the truth so many feel for a variety of reasons from different walks of life. Your journey, your challenges, your spirit, your words, your story is inspirational. I only wish we could help you from afar with the daily battle.
The Savvy Age…Tracey, though I’ve not known you as long as others in the Door, I somehow felt I met a kindred soul through your writing. Your blogs are always insightful, well written and meaningful. I’ve enjoyed your work and your friendship and I thank you for both. I hope my last journey will be like arriving at a new destination, hopeful, excited to see what’s on the horizon. Of course, I’d love to come back and write about it 🙂 but no one, to my knowledge, has ever been able to do that. All the best to you in your future writing efforts my friend.
Amazingly those are two of the words I think when I see your writing or photo, kindred soul 🙂 Again I applaud your honesty and courage to express in writing what many feel, but cannot express. I think of my late Father who at a certain juncture was unable to speak and I know you expressed here – his thoughts and feelings. That is a gift.
Yes, “kindred soul” isn’t it funny that we should both feel that way? There was just something about the way you write, something about what you say and how you say it! It’s been said that there are no coincidences, that some things happen for a reason. So I believe that caused you and I to connect. I’m grateful for that, and I hope someday we’ll all meet somewhere in time, you, me, your father, my mother, all our dearly beloved, plus our happy little dogs and cats. That may be idealistic on my part, but I’d rather think of the afterlife that way, than of just a dark void. I believe the human spirit is far too strong to just cease to exist. I guess I believe in recycling! Thanks again, dear friend. 🙂